You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
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If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Name this drama.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
the chicken was already gone when I got here
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.