[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
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Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”