Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
You Might Also Like
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
doing some research
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you