Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
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just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.