[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
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I want what they have
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them