I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
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I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
This meeting could have been a cake
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
And they lived apathetically ever after.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.