Nice try, NASA
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They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
I’m calling the cops.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.