[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
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Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Rambo Rambow
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Why am I like this?
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
I occasionally drink every single night.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.