The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
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When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Anyone want a chair?
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best