nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
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Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
December birthdays be like…
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid