what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
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I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence