me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
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My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Seas the day!!!!
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles