*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
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…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*