Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
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Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”