Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
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I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
.. do you even science?
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
You can’t outrun your problems…
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.