[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
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Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
goldfish mafia
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.