You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
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Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat