Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
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Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
me, after any kind of buffet.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*