Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
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[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it