Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
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The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Meow
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
checking out some reviews of my local library
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.