GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
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My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.