I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
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4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Banana is the quietest snack
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay