She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
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I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
look at me when i’m typing to you
Kermit goes Blue.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there