*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
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You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
My neck, my back, my…
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?