I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
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Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.