There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
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Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.