I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
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Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees