After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
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Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.