Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
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Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.