If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
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There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.