America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
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Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
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Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
this will hang in the louvre one day
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.