How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
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Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.