I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
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Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy