“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
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As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.