Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
You Might Also Like
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Don’t tell me what to do
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy