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told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.