this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
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*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.