I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
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– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
When he asks for feet pics
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this