BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
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*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Pass gas, not judgment.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film