Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
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Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.