CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
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Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur