If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
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what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire