[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
You Might Also Like
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then