Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
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My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.