I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
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Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Webb. James Webb.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
How is it still this week?
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I have never related to a cat more
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while