I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
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Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I wish I were this cool 😂
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?