Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
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My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?