You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
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*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools