Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
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me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.