[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
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I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck